We use an analogy of being hit by a truck to illustrate what a woman experiences and her healing process, upon discovering of, or a spouse’s disclosing of his sexual addiction and/or misbehaviors.

In this analogy, the husband is driving a big truck down the road, but the windows are foggy, and he isn’t able to see out of them clearly. Because of this, as he drives, he careens down the street.

As his wife sees his erratic driving, she runs alongside trying to help him, shouting out, “honey, a little more to the left, you’ve just gone over the curb!” and “oh, no -watch out for the neighbor’s flower bed!” and “oops, watch out! You are going to hit the kids who are playing on the lawn!” As she runs along shouting instructions, she tries to help him, to keep him safe, and protect others in his path and around him.

And then, in the process, he swerves and doesn’t see her there – because his windows are foggy (addict fog or addict brain) and she gets run over by this truck.

For the wife, this is usually D Day – when she discovers or he discloses his addiction/mis-behaviors. Unknowingly, she had been running along, trying to help him – knowing something was off or not quite right, but not knowing exactly what.

She may have shared articles, and books or information with him, that could be helpful to whatever he was dealing with, and oftentimes, throughout the journey, she would think it had something to do with her – if only she were thinner, prettier, smarter, more accomplished etc… then he would be interested in her, or wouldn’t act that way. And so she has spent a lot of time questioning herself and her worth …but in the end Disclosure/Discovery day hits, and she is hit by this big truck that her husband is driving.

After D-Day, as her husband gets out of the cab, he wipes his forehead and says, “Phew! I am SO glad to be out of that truck -that was crazy. I can’t believe it…I couldn’t see anything… it was so foggy. I’m so glad I can see clearly now!”

Everything is finally out in the open – now he doesn’t have to hide it anymore…what a relief! And so, as he jumps out of the cab to the ground, he looks around for his wife. He may be relieved that everything is out in the open now and be ready to start working with the Bishop and with his support group – working on his recovery and repentance.

As he looks for his wife, he and others may show some frustration.

Where in the dickens is his wife? Why isn’t she here helping him?

At a time like this, she should be there by his side helping him! Others may also ask why she isn’t there by his side, helping him – she’s his wife, can’t see understand how much help and support he needs? He needs to talk to the Bishop and it’s going to be hard, and he needs her to hold his hand and help him while he goes to this meeting – he needs her help and support while he works on his recovery, because it is going to be really hard, and he isn’t sure if he can do it without her help.

When he finally finds her, he discovers that she is on the ground, lying in a heap, with every single bone in her body crushed and broken.

Even though he has an important meeting to go to, he and others may not realize that she needs surgery – and she can’t help him. She has to focus on her own healing. It will take a long time, and she will be in the hospital, in a full body cast for the next several months.

She’s in no place to be able to help him, because she has been so painfully crushed, and she will need to use all of her strength, energy and focus to work on her own healing. She may not be able to function, or even get dinner for her kids for a while. She has a very separate journey of healing that she will need to take, and while she would love to help support her husband in his recovery, she is incapable of helping him.

Part of her recovery will be learning to deal with the Betrayal Trauma and the accompanying PTSD type triggers and symptoms caused by his disclosure and actions. She may experience anxiety, intense emotions, self-questioning and doubt, depression, triggering, and she will go through a grieving process.

As she heals, she will need to be able to share her story with other trusted individuals, so that she can process through her pain and emotions, rather than having to bury and hide her emotions in secrecy and shame. This is often most effective in a therapeutic group setting, where she can find validation, express her pain, and learn to set and use appropriate boundaries, through which she can create safety for herself and her children; honor her emotions with dignity, and the importance of self-care – connecting to Heavenly Father every day, and taking care of herself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally each day.

If you are in need of understanding, hope and support in your personal healing journey, please contact me for a brief phone consult, call or text 509.416.0224, or email mmichaelis@addorecovery.com.

They may struggle with recurrent thoughts or dreams – reliving the experience, they may avoid certain places/people or situations, experience depression and anxiety and often intense or heightened emotions, often accompanied by feelings of low self worth.

Self-care is a foundational aspect of healing from betrayal trauma. However, contrary to pop culture, self-care does not usually equate to a bubble bath or pedicure. Self care is a tool comprised of daily physical movement/exercise, spiritual connection with Heavenly Father, mental learning and growth, and emotional awareness. While it does not “fix” the trauma, it helps the individual as they begin to heal to go through the trauma. I love how the following story about barnacles relates to self care….

(Adapted by MaryAnn Michaelis from Thomas S. Monson’s “You Make A Difference” May 1988)

To some it may seem strange to see ships of many nations loading and unloading cargo along the docks at Portland, Oregon. That city is 100 miles from the ocean. Getting there involves a difficult, often turbulent passage over the bar guarding the Columbia River and a long trip up the Columbia and Willamette Rivers.
 
But ship captains like to tie up at Portland. They know that as their ships travel the seas, a curious salt water shellfish called a barnacle fastens itself to the hull and stays there for the rest of its life, surrounding itself with a rock-like shell. As more and more barnacles attach themselves, they increase the ship’s drag, slow its progress, decrease its efficiency.
 
Periodically, the ship must go into dry dock, where with great effort the barnacles are chiseled or scraped off. It’s a difficult, expensive process that ties up the ship for days. But not if the captain can get his ship to Portland. Barnacles can’t live in fresh water. There, in the sweet, fresh waters of the Willamette or Columbia, the barnacles loosen and fall away, and the ship returns to its task lightened and renewed.
 
Sins are like those barnacles. Hardly anyone goes through life without picking up some. They increase the drag, slow our progress, decrease our efficiency. Unrepented, building up one on another, they can eventually sink us.
 
In His infinite love and mercy, our Lord has provided a harbor where, through repentance, our barnacles fall away and are forgotten. With our souls lightened and renewed, we can go efficiently about our work and His” (“Harbor of Forgiveness,” 30 Jan. 1988, p. 16).

In applying this analogy to betrayal trauma and self care, the pains and burdens that we carry are like these barnacles. They weigh us down – especially if we try to carry them all on our own. When we feel like we aren’t able to talk about and share our stories with others (who have earned the right to hear them), it weighs us down. We are filled with lots of negative emotions, energy and unexpressed pain. Life becomes more heavy, confusing and more difficult.

Self care can be compared to the fresh waters in this analogy. Self-care requires, and allows us to take time to allow ourselves to heal. We sit quietly, we meditate, spend time in the temple, exercise, and focus on our emotional, spiritual, physical and mental needs. We slow down and we move our focus from the things that we can’t control (other’s behaviors) to those things which we can control – our own behaviors.

As we focus on our own behaviors, allowing ourselves to take personal self care time, our barnacles can begin to fall from our hulls. We are able to release our burdens. As we take this time spiritually, our relationship with God is strengthened. As our relationship with God is strengthened, the weight of the barnacles lessens. They don’t drag us down as much anymore as we are able to give our burdens to the Lord.

As we do physical self care, our minds and bodies receive stretching, fresh oxygen, and lots of feel good natural chemicals that naturally lift our moods and spirits. We move from a state of fight or flight and darkness begins to lift as more barnacles drop off.

As we focus on emotional self care, we are able to honor our emotions. We journal and move our thoughts that are inside our heads to paper, where we can look at them objectively. We can recognize Satan’s lies. We also find outlets to release the negative emotions and energy – in positive ways that align with our value systems. And more barnacles drop off.

Our mental self care includes education, information and learning. We learn who we are. What we like. We start to learn, see, and tap into our own divinity and power. We learn about tools and resources for our own healing journey and as we begin to utilize them, we are lifted and lightened as more barnacles fall away and we are less weighed down.

While the ships in this analogy just have to sit, waiting for the barnacles to fall off, self care requires action. Sometimes these actions may be small and quiet, yet they require some sort of action. As we are doing these things, seemingly without our notice, our barnacles of secrets, suffering and pain will slowly begin to lessen and eventually they will be removed and lifted.

Self care allows us to find hope, peace, lightness, so that we are able to move forward, more swiftly – healing, rather than requiring an entire overhaul because we ignored those things that were dragging us down.

If you are in need of understanding, hope and support in your personal healing journey, please contact me for a brief phone consult, call or text 509.416.0224, or email mmichaelis@addorecovery.com.